Hey guys!!!
I’m back and I’m thriving after a particularly bad week which started with Chris Harrison announcing that going forward, there will be two episodes per week which means I have to miss Tuesday nights for class. I am distraught thinking about it but I will survive. Hopefully.
First order of business I wish I didn’t have to discuss (again) is the spoiler for our potential Bachelorette. This doesn’t spoil the rest of the season so I don’t really feel bad about posting the spoiler here either but if you would rather not know until next Tuesday night at After the Final Rose, assuming Reality Steve is even correct, scroll down quickly until you see something about the episode (or just close out of the blog it’s fine I’ve got your view now anyway).
According to the devil himself, Alabama Hannah “Roll Tide” Beast is our next Bachelorette. Now, if you’ve read any of my tweets or my last post you know exactly how I feel about this decision. Because I’m lazy but also want to reiterate how horrible this decision is, I am going to copy paste everything from that post here and then add some things.
First, she’s 23 years old. “Well JoJo was only 24 when she was the lead.” Well JoJo acted more mature at that age and also she was never annoying. She also had the whole “Ben Higgins said he loved me and then chose someone else” and the whole “my ex boyfriend has been talking to the tabloids and tried to sabotage everything” things going for her. Alabama Hannah only has a bullshit beauty pageant rivalry on her side.
“Hannah B is just so real and authentic.” What makes you say that? Because she growls and makes weird faces on national television? She also has a pageant smile plastered to her face at all times. Even when she’s talking about how mean other girls are. Literally, even when she was LEAVING after Colton broke up with her, she had a fake smile on. Also, the growling is just weird. “Hannah Beast” is a weird personality to take on. It was also major overkill, too. Like, did the beast really come out every single week??
Alabama Hannah is also one of the most annoying people. I can appreciate a good southern accent but hers has gotten worse every single week since day 1. Also, even though she cut back since the first few weeks, having too much college football pride is weird. I guess that’s what happens when you graduate in May and come on the show in September. “Roll Tide” but more like “Roll Taaaaaaaade” made me hate her before I even knew her.
Last, but certainly not least, everyone who is rallying behind her seems to have forgotten about her AWFUL first 1-on-1 date. Sure, you could chalk it up to nerves. Most people wouldn’t feel comfortable in front of cameras and a crew. Editing may have also played a role in the awkwardness. But she made it pretty far. I would assume they would want to give her an edit that showed her in a good light. This leads me to assume that they had nothing to work with on that date. She could barely even sting a sentence together that didn’t include “roll tide” for a toast. Could she carry a whole season??? Absolutely not.
In conclusion, I think Hannah B would be a horrible choice for Bachelorette. Does my opinion matter? Probably not. But I need to get it all out because otherwise I get mean. If they make her the Bachelorette, I would seriously reconsider watching. But, we all know I’m weak and would definitely watch every single week. But I won’t hold back on Twitter so that’s something to look forward to.
I’m in a few podcast Facebook groups and people are ALL about this. I would be crucified if I gave all my thoughts on this there. God forbid people think 23/24 year olds shouldn’t go on television to find a husband. But I know I can trust my loyal Twitter friends to support me and have a rational discussion if it comes to that.
I am very angry and I’m taking this as a personal attack against me. Honestly, this news has ruined my entire day and I am truly just hoping that this is one of those times when Reality Steve is wrong.
Alright, alright. Enough about my anger. Let’s get to the “good” stuff.
It’s hometowns week!!!
This would have normally brought me so much joy but this season overall has not brought me any joy.
But, alas, I have decided to keep it anyway because I am addicted.
We open with yet another shower scene where Colton contemplates life and love.
Hometown #1: Fredericksburg, VA for Caelynn.
They take a horse-drawn carriage around the town and Caelynn shows him where her pediatrician’s office is. How romantic. I wonder if she just stopped going there last year. They stopped for ice cream before going to what looks like the wilderness to sit on a bench on talk about the future.
Caelynn’s biological dad will not be involved today since he wasn’t involved in her life but we will get to meet her step dad and (spoiler) he’s the greatest.
Colton and Caelynn arrive at their backyard barbecue and meet the fam. John, the dad seems skeptical of the whole thing, especially considering all Caelynn has been through in life at such a young age. Colton feeds Caelynn like a wedding cake feeding and the whole family kinda just watches from afar awkwardly.
Caelynn’s sister who could easily be her twin takes her aside to ask about the show so far. She’s skeptical which seems to be the theme so far tonight but she just wants the best for her sister.
https://twitter.com/OutoftheLimo/status/1100205182909075456
Colton talks to Caelynn’s mom and talks about his feelings for Caelynn but again, mom is skeptical.
Meanwhile, Caelynn talks to John who is emotional because he doesn’t want to see her get hurt again. They have an emotional talk about how he has always been there for her and my cold dead heart actually felt something in the meantime.
Colton talks to John after and asks for his “permission” to marry Caelynn. He doesn’t immediately say yes or no but says he would be welcomed into the family with open arms if he could promise to have a good foundation going into marriage. I’m not even gonna comment on the permission thing because it’s beating a dead horse at this point.
Actually, I will comment on it and say that the lead should ask NONE of the parents during hometowns for permission (it should be blessing if anything) and instead pull a Ben Higgins and CALL the parents before actually proposing. It’s more personal that way and in my opinion, better than asking four different sets of parents, knowing you’re about to dump three of them in the next 2 weeks.
Anyway…
Caelynn walks Colton out and says she’s fully in love with him. Meanwhile, I’m fully in love with the blue jacket she’s been wearing all day but sadly, I’m poor.
Next up, we have Hometown #2: Birmingham, AL for Hannah G!
I know I write my intro blog every season but I can’t remember where these people are from. I just truly can’t believe both Hannahs were from Alabama this whole time. Hannah G managed to be so NORMAL and not at all annoying like good ole Roll Tide. But I digress.
Hannah takes him to a “Southern Gentleman” etiquette class to “prepare” him to meet her parents. You can tell he hates the idea but puts on a brave face. Based on this date, I would never want to date a “southern gentleman.” Colton is told he has great posture but that’s where he thrives. Everything else is a disaster.
First, Colton’s suggestion of saying grace being the first thing to do at the dinner table is laughed at by the teacher. When he serves bread to Hannah and then himself, he’s yelled at that she should serve herself since “we’re using our fingers.” When he cuts the piece of bread and begins buttering the whole thing, the teacher says “bless your heart” and I honestly wish I could have slapped her through my screen. I hate the south.
This date is about as boring as Hannah G and it shows on Colton’s face. The instructor tells Colton that it’s his turn to hold the umbrella that her parents have held for her since birth, we’re all lost. Let the girl hold her own umbrella!!! Modern woman!!!
It’s time to meet the family!!!
Beth, Hannah’s mom is a literal gem and I’m obsessed with her. She’s a southern mother but in the best way possible and totally unlike miss “bless your heart” from the etiquette class from earlier. Spoiler: she’s also concerned about this whole thing.
Hannah goes to talk to her friends/sister(s?) and none of them are at all what I would have expected. They’re nerdy (in the best ways it’s not a dig at them at ALL) and supportive of their friend while still being cautious. One thing I will say is that one of the girls has a “can I talk to the manager” haircut and that’s the content I like to see at hometowns.
Long story short, mom and dad are both worried about the show and her age (surprise, surprise). Colton asks for permission from dad, you can tell he did appreciate being asked (southern gentleman) and ultimately gives his blessing to Colton. The night ends with everyone being excited and more trusting of the show. Hannah tells Colton he feels like home and she’s falling in love with him. Colton says back at ya and they make out until his car gets there.
Next we have Hometown #4: Santa Ana, CA for Tayshia.
Colton continuously has a stronger and stronger connection with Tayshia and I am not here for it!!!!!! She blindfolds him within seconds and takes him to her jeep, all the while talking in a baby voice. She drives recklessly all the way to an airport hangar for them to skydive. Because Colton hasn’t made his fear of heights known enough on dates with Tayshia.
He compares the experience to losing his virginity and I am so uninterested in this date that I’m scrolling through Facebook currently.
They talk in the sunset and Tayshia says she falling in love with him. I wonder if she told her boyfriend she was falling in love with him before she left for filming, too.
Tayshia’s younger brother is the only person worth mentioning from her house because he got all dressed up and it’s adorable. He doesn’t even get to participate in the 1-on-1 conversations.
https://twitter.com/BrettSVergara/status/1100214919490928640
Colton talks to Tayshia’s dad who really isn’t about to let him off easy tonight. He doesn’t trust the process of the show and isn’t willing to give his blessing right away. Colton says “I’m falling in love with her” for the third time tonight which doesn’t help. Dad says he can’t give his blessing and Colton freaks out because he absolutely cannot propose without permission.
However, after talking separately with his daughter, he changes his mind and gives his permission.
https://twitter.com/KatLMessina/status/1100218590517710848
That’s all I have to say about her hometown because I literally just cannot with her anymore.
Finally, we have Hometown #4: Huntington Beach, CA for Cassie!!!
Colton literally walked over to Cassie from Tayshia’s hometown (probably, based on the maps). He meets her at the literal beach for a surfing lesson. But first, they have to make out a lot.
Colton shockingly sucks at surfing so they go talk about her family until dinner time. Colton basically tells Cassie he’s in love with her but still doesn’t know where she stands. She apparently knows how she feels but wants to be absolutely sure after he meets her family.
https://twitter.com/DanielaEspo/status/1100220111426805760
Cassie walks through the door and all the women in her family start squealing.
Meanwhile, Colton’s dad says he “seems like a …guy” so we’re off to an amazing start so far. P.S:
Cassie’s sister (also featured on that reality show, also dating Gregg Sulkin) asks her privately if she’s ready to get engaged and Cassie admits she’s worried she’s going to be rushed to say yes. They randomly start crying when the sister tells her she should find her person whether or not that’s Colton. Like full on bawling.
https://twitter.com/BrettSVergara/status/1100226937534984192
Mom feels the connection between her daughter and Colton but is also worried about his feelings for other girls. Colton says he’s “falling in love” for the FOURTH time to a parent tonight and it this point it’s lost all meaning.
Cassie and her dad sit down and she tries to defend the process to her skeptical dad. He is clearly VERY unsupportive of his daughter going on this devil-tainted show. To be fair, he makes solid points and Cassie argues with him while sounding like a literal child.
When Colton sits down with dad to ask for permission, he flat out says no because it would be premature knowing there are three other girls out there with the same expectation of an engagement. This stresses Colton out because he needs that father validation to make a decision. Things are not looking good for Cassie even though she’s clearly the front runner. She still doesn’t tell Colton what she’s feeling other than “I don’t want this to end” so basically nothing is going right for Colton tonight.
Everyone meets in Los Angeles for the rose ceremony. I think this might have been after the wildfires in Cali so they probably couldn’t film in the mansion.
Tayshia wears a dress very similar to the one I wore to my senior formal last May. I’ll let y’all decide who wore it best:
Everyone is confident even though no one should be. My money was on Tayshia going home this week, I was honestly surprised she even made it this far.
The roses this week go to Hannah, Tayshia and Cassie.
Caelynn is left to say goodbye to everyone. She and Cassie hold hands before he calls out the last rose, calling this situation “fucked up” since they’re best friends. Before leaving, she tells Cassie, “get engaged.” A lot of people thought this proved that she wasn’t there for the ~right reasons~ but to me it seems more like a “go get your mans” type thing for her best friend. After an emotional goodbye to Colton, Caelynn heads off. But don’t worry, this will absolutely not be the last we see of her.
Next week we have a two night event that will turn into possibly two blog posts and we’re finally PROMISED the fence jump. I have a feeling it’ll be a cliff hanger fence jump but we shall see.
Until next time,
xoxo,
Morgan
Oh, and P.S. Hannah rapped at the end of the episode.
Bachelor Chirps 