Heeeeeey guys!
Hope everyone’s week was great, because mine was full of stress that was 100% the fault of Mike Fleiss and the conversation around who the next Bachelorette will be. I have a lot to say on the subject and this is my platform to do so because otherwise it would take about 1000 tweets. You could find those tweets @BachelorChirps and I highly recommend following me for quality content. Oh, and I’m on Instagram now and more followers would motivate me to be even funnier. So follow me over there too.
Now, where do I even start. Last week, Fleiss did his semi-annual “who could our next lead possibly be” thing to try to see who Bachelor Nation is rallying behind. Spoiler alert: Hannah B went home last week so there was an overwhelming number of people in support of her being the next lead. She went out by saying something about not allowing to not be chosen or some bullshit powerful statement so people were all about it. I’m here to tell you all the reasons why it would be a horrible idea.
First, she’s 23 years old. “Well JoJo was only 24 when she was the lead.” Well JoJo acted more mature at that age and also she was never annoying. She also had the whole “Ben Higgins said he loved me and then chose someone else” and the whole “my ex boyfriend has been talking to the tabloids and tried to sabotage everything” things going for her. Alabama Hannah only has a bullshit beauty pageant rivalry on her side.
“Hannah B is just so real and authentic.” What makes you say that? Because she growls and makes weird faces on national television? She also has a pageant smile plastered to her face at all times. Even when she’s talking about how mean other girls are. Literally, even when she was LEAVING after Colton broke up with her, she had a fake smile on. Also, the growling is just weird. “Hannah Beast” is a weird personality to take on. It was also major overkill, too. Like, did the beast really come out every single week??
Alabama Hannah is also one of the most annoying people. I can appreciate a good southern accent but hers has gotten worse every single week since day 1. Also, even though she cut back since the first few weeks, having too much college football pride is weird. I guess that’s what happens when you graduate in May and come on the show in September. “Roll Tide” but more like “Roll Taaaaaaaade” made me hate her before I even knew her.
Last, but certainly not least, everyone who is rallying behind her seems to have forgotten about her AWFUL first 1-on-1 date. Sure, you could chalk it up to nerves. Most people wouldn’t feel comfortable in front of cameras and a crew. Editing may have also played a role in the awkwardness. But she made it pretty far. I would assume they would want to give her an edit that showed her in a good light. This leads me to assume that they had nothing to work with on that date. She could barely even sting a sentence together that didn’t include “roll tide” for a toast. Could she carry a whole season??? Absolutely not.
In conclusion, I think Hannah B would be a horrible choice for Bachelorette. Does my opinion matter? Probably not. But I need to get it all out because otherwise I get mean. If they make her the Bachelorette, I would seriously reconsider watching. But, we all know I’m weak and would definitely watch every single week. But I won’t hold back on Twitter so that’s something to look forward to.
I would also like to say that I don’t support pretty much anyone (except Elyse) from this season being the Bachelorette. I’m just so anti-Hannah B that I needed to get that all out.
So moving on from THAT option. You may have heard that Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson have officially called it quits after another cheating scandal involving Kylie Jenner’s best friend, Jordyn Woods. Immediately, people started saying Khloe should be the next Bachelorette.
https://twitter.com/chrisbharrison/status/1098654807542325250
Now, any rational person knows this would be a disaster and she is 100% not a serious candidate. I genuinely would love to know what was going through people’s minds who were like “wow this is a real option.” In fact, most people were opposed to this anyway. But then, a pop culture account tweeted about the whole thing.
This sparked Kim Kardashian to respond in a series of tweets to Mike Fleiss who was CLEARLY trolling.
Khloe got involved and threatened to sue for using her as clickbait and all of the crazy fans they have started calling Fleiss a liar.
Like, yeah, he’s an ass and probably deserves hate for one thing or another, but this is misdirected and overly dramatic. She also insinuated that the show is trashy and that personally offended me. Sweetie, you’re not much better than this show.
Last order of business, Tayshia was exposed last Monday for breaking up with her serious boyfriend the day she left for filming. Die-hard Tayshia fans like to pretend that they weren’t that serious but they talked marriage and engagement and were on a romantic vacation only weeks before she left. Either way, she sucks and I don’t want to see any more of her.
Alright!
Onto the good(ish) stuff.
Colton opens the show with a vlog and he’s sad that Katie and others told him people aren’t ready still. This is his greatest fear. That the 23-year-old women he has left aren’t ready to settle down and get married.
The gang is heading back the United States, specifically to Denver, where Colton lives. Next week is hometowns so this week is pivotal! He sits down with Ben Higgins for advice on how to choose a fiancée. It’s the typical “advice” segment with the “follow your heart” narrative blah blah blah.
Colton heads to a park with his dog to meet the remaining girls. Someone is getting a 1-on-1 today and for some reason, Colton chooses Tayshia. Tayshia says something cryptic about Katie being right about other girls not being ready for marriage. That’s rich coming from her who hasn’t been single since her divorce which was finalized a year before going on the show.
https://twitter.com/BrettSVergara/status/1097664693978701824
So Colton and Tayshia walk around downtown Denver and do “regular” things that Colton would do by himself on a Saturday. They get ice cream and we learn that Colton pronounces “pecan” wrong. They then go sit in a very crowded area and have a deep conversation about readiness and I can’t hear anything. Tayshia chooses this time to tell him Caelynn and Cassie are there for the ~wrong reasons~.
https://twitter.com/BrettSVergara/status/1097665361447575552
She claims there was a conversation about the Bachelorette and that they both don’t think they’re ready for an engagement at the end. Colton looks SO hurt and Tayshia can barely contain her smile at seeing his front-runners crumble right before her eyes.
The thing is, this conversation clearly comes from a place of insecurity since Colton is clearly more into Cassie and Caelynn. It’s so obvious.
https://twitter.com/bachelornrecaps/status/1097671296626946049
Later, they go back to Colton’s place (maybe) and cook dinner. Tayshia squeals a lot. They make dinner and then probably don’t eat it since nobody ever eats on camera. Colton asks about Tayshia’s family and their thoughts on the show process. Tayshia puts on her best baby voice to explain that her dad will be protective. I wish you could hear this because it’s truly horrible.
Colton says he won’t be able to get down on one knee without a father’s blessing. Hey, maybe let’s step into the 21st century and realize it’s the woman’s choice if she wants to marry you instead of the father’s.
Anyway, Tayshia gets the rose so we have to sit through at least one more week of her. Then she puts on a jersey with “Underwood” on the back and they make out.
The next morning Tayshia and Kirpa conspire against the girls who Colton likes more than him and Kirpa basically undid all the good she did last week because of it.
The next date is for Caelynn and it’s mountain themed. Poor girl.
They start the date with snowboarding which is fun because Caelynn never has before. That lasts probably like 5 minutes real-time, 2 minutes tv time before they go sit and have a talk. Colton tells Caelynn what Tayshia said about her. She’s clearly upset by this immediately. Some people were like “oh, she had to think of an answer” but I took her silence at first as trying to process everything and hold her emotions together. Caelynn tells him the exact opposite of what Tayshia says and that confuses Colton even more.
Off to the side, Caelynn gets angry and calls Tayshia a bitch and I’m just sitting here watching like:
At dinner, things get even more serious and they both tear up talking about everything that happened earlier. In an ITM, Colton breaks down because he’s so confused about everything. After more serious talking, Caelynn says she’s falling in love with Colton and that’s all he really needed because he gives her the rose. From there, they go dance to some guy named Brett Young. Tayshia didn’t get her way and I can’t wait to see what happens next because I actually really like Colton and Caelynn together.
The next day Caelynn fills in Cassie on all the drama. They’re pissed and Caelynn decides to confront Tayshia. Caelynn thought she and Tayshia were friends but apparently not. According to Tayshia, Caelynn would have done the exact same thing and throw someone under the bus. The truth of the matter is, Caelynn has never once said something bad about another woman in the house but has continuously been talked about. So I think we can decide who the real villain is.
The last 1-on-1 date of the week is for Hannah B. I already kind of ruined this but I’ll still cover the basics of the date. For some amazing and unknown reason, Colton decides to introduce the beast to his family. He later said on Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe that he wishes he would have taken someone else to meet them.
Colton talks to his dad, Hannah talks to his mom. Dad says trust your gut. Mom asks Hannah easy questions that she struggles with. Colton tells dad that he isn’t at the same level as Hannah. Mom tells Hannah to be open and honest. She doesn’t seem sold on Hannah either.
Driving away, Hannah asks Colton, “are you okay… just making sure” when he’s quiet. It’s all going downhill and I am here for it.
For dinner, Hannah wears a beautiful gown with horrible shoulder pads that are vertical. I don’t care what they talk about because all that matters is that Colton isn’t feeling it. When Colton tells her he doesn’t think he can get there with her, she starts to get sad but then puts that smile back on her face and gives a pageant speech about being glad she found out now.
On the way out, Hannah tells Colton to listen to people about intentions. She gets mad in the limo because she thinks he doesn’t actually know what he wants and if it’s not her she couldn’t imagine who else it could be. She gives a very convincing Bachelorette speech in her limo ride but I don’t care to ever see her again (see above).
Last and least, we have the group date for Hannah G, Kirpa, Cassie and Heather. The date has two roses and maybe some drama but at this point Colton never surprises me. The limo ride to the date is silent and awkward. A train picks them up in the middle of nowhere to take them into the woods.
First, he talks to Heather. Within, like 30 seconds, she sends herself home. She hops right back on the train and says farewell with one final kiss. Now she’ll be able to go off and kiss everyone, since that first one is finally out-of-the-way.
https://twitter.com/BrettSVergara/status/1097685265525690368
Cassie is worried the Caelynn/Tayshia stuff will involve her now and Kirpa nods along with her voice over saying she’s going to tell Colton about Cassie.
Cassie talks to Colton and before they can talk about serious topics, they have to kiss a lil bit. He tells her his concerns and Cassie breaks down over being accused as one of the “wrong reasons” girls. Her emotional response seems to trigger Colton to believe her.
When it’s Kirpa’s turn, she uses her time to throw Cassie and Caelynn under the bus. Kirpa’s “proof” is that Cassie and Caelynn got defensive after Colton’s “right reasons” speech last week.
When she rejoins the group, she tells Cassie what they talked about. Cassie calls her dumb for using her time to talk about someone else. Hannah sits in silence as they argue. This group of women (overall) is full of high school level maturity and I am OVER IT!!!!!!
Colton joins the ladies and picks up the roses to announce that he’s not ready to hand them out. At the 3-on-1 dinner, tensions are high. Immediately, Colton says he’s had some clarity and pulls Hannah to the front to talk. We don’t hear the conversation but we hear her giggle and Colton comes back in to get a rose for her.
It suddenly turns into a 2-on-1 between Cassie and Kirpa because Hannah goes back to the house. Caelynn doesn’t want to see the same thing happen to Cassie that happened to her so she takes it upon herself to go interrupt the date. She finds him and brings it back to the right reasons conversation, reiterating how important this decision is (which he knows) and how important the “truth” is.
Colton returns to the table and offers the rose to Cassie, following his gut and his heart. Kirpa says goodbye without a final warning.
So there ya have it folks. Next week we’ll meet the families of Tayshia, Caelynn, Hannah G and Cassie.
Until next time,
xoxo
Morgan
Bachelor Chirps 
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