Hey guys!!!!!!
Happy Thursday. Or Friday. Who knows when I’ll finish writing this. I would have written this on Tuesday but apparently “homework” is more important than “blogging” or something like that. But it’s officially the end of my school week so I’m checked out and ready to recap!!!!
As always, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BachelorChirps and on Instagram @morganbowen_
I don’t think there’s any Bachelor Nation news this week so we’ll get right to it.
This week the gang goes to Paris. I have to try not to think about it too much or else the jealousy takes over and FOMO sets in and it’s just a huge disaster for everyone involved.
When we see the girls walking around to find their hotel like dogs in the wild, Krystal is wearing an outfit reminiscent of Sandy from Grease. No, really.
We’re already off to a great start.
Bekah is skipping around and looks like she’s actually 5 years old. To be fair, I would probably do the same thing.
The girls are staying on a cruise ship and I’m extra jealous. They tweeted me that they’d love to have me aboard and didn’t say no when I asked them to sponsor me because I’m poor. Still waiting to hear back but if you don’t hear from me for a while, assume I’m living my best life on a Parisian river boat cruise hotel thing.
Seinne says that it’s so amazing to be staying on the Seine. Lauren B says she’s going to call it the “Seinne,” but I’m not convinced she didn’t know that’s not how you pronounce it before just now. Everyone wants a 1-on-1. They screech “Bonjour Arie!!!” in the worst American accents (I say, as an American who took French for 6 years in middle and high school). I could probably never be on this show simply for the yelling the Bachelor’s name thing.
Arie sits down with Chris Harrison to talk about his ~feelings~. He can’t believe he has such strong feelings for Becca, Bekah, and Tia. He’s so shocked that he likes more than one of them. But he’s still so nervous that he’ll chose the wrong girl, so dates this week are important, and should probably go to women he feels a connection beyond a physical one with. We’ll see about that.
Someone asks, “Who wants a 1-on-1 date in Paris?!?!!?!?” and they all raise their hands. Krystal gives ANOTHER speech and I don’t think anyone is listening. She tells the camera that Arie (reluctantly) giving her the rose in Fort Lauderdale and bringing her all the way to Paris was a romantic gesture. I wonder if she knows that Arie doesn’t bring them anywhere. She’s so delusional, I can’t. Also, we’re only 5 minutes in and I’m already sick of her so this will be a long night.
Chris Harrison hops aboard the boat hotel and tells the girls there will be FOUR dates this week. Seems excessive and almost as if we won’t get a rose ceremony in place of one of the dates, but I’ll roll with it.
There will be a group date, two 1-on-1s, and the famous 2-on-1. Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes. Ugh I love it.
Krystal immediately says “I wonder who will be on the 2-on-1 date…….. with me.” She’s seemingly self-aware in this moment. But then, she goes and ruins it by adding that it’s because she’s had a target on her back since her 1-on-1 and that nobody else is on her level. Literally nobody cares about her 1-on-1 anymore or at all so we’re back to delusional.
Tia reads the first date card. It’s for Lauren B who reacts happily and excited but this is the only emotion she will show ALL NIGHT.
Lauren is very pretty, has never had any screen time except for the color thing last week and has very little personality from what we’ve seen so far. She’s also 25 and I’m as upset about it as I am about the 22 and 23-year-olds out there. But Arie obviously likes her a lot so I’ll give her a chance.
When Arie arrives to pick her up, she’s excited and full of life, okay, this might be a good date, I think to myself. She’s nervous, but not too much. She can’t wait to open up to him and hopes he opens up to her to. They hop on a motor boat and someone says “aw they’re on a gondola.” No.
Things seem nice and relaxed, things are going really well, Paris is beautiful. Arie says he’s been waiting to have Lauren B on a 1-on-1 for this one because it’s special to him. Lauren tells him all the girls are really jealous, he says that’s okay. He thinks this date will be a great opportunity to get to know her better, and that it will be an incredible date.
They get out of the “gondola” and immediately there’s no talking. They don’t look at each other. Arie keeps saying “wow it’s so beautiful” at different Parisian landmarks and Lauren says “wow” every single time. Arie tells her that in Holland, people sell different kinds of wheels of cheese on the streets (as they pass a street vendor), Lauren says “wow.” The silence is filled with Arie saying that he gets the sense that she’s quiet and that she’s not really that into him.
They finally sit down after walking around Paris all day and the first thing that was more than “wow” that we hear out of Lauren’s mouth is “So how’s other things been for you since everything last week?” Really, that’s the best you can come up with??? She follows his response, which doesn’t matter, with “You have a lot of tough decisions to make.” She says both of these things with ZERO emotion. If you don’t watch the show and just read my blog (Mary) I wish I could explain this in a way to make you understand. This girl literally says everything with the most monotonous voice. She was excited earlier, what happened?????
Arie sits there and begs her to like him. She says “yeah.” You literally cannot make this stuff up. Sure, obviously editing is involved, but, like, he OBVIOUSLY likes her a lot for some strange reason (blonde, 25) so you think she would be getting a good edit?!?!? They gave Krystal the winner’s edit in her hometown pre-show video and then she turned out this way but why are they doing this????
Arie says if there’s no connection by the end of the night, he’ll have to say goodbye. Now please enjoy these photos of two people who obviously like each other a lot and are amazed that their love story is happening in Paris.
Don’t you just love, love. Also, this is how they looked the entire date, not just the odd moment caught on camera.
Back at the house, there’s real things and emotions happening. The group date card has arrived and it’s for Becca, Seinne, Bekah, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna. That means that Krystal, Kendall and Jacqueline are up for the 2-on-1. I bet we can guess who the second person will be. After Kendall called Krystal out last week, this was a definite.
Time for the boring dinner part of the boring date.
https://twitter.com/Bach_ShitCray/status/960683561320898560
Arie says “this is cute” at the setting. Lauren says “this is so cute.” I hate everything about this so much. They drink red wine out of champagne glasses, you think France would have that down pact. But I’m not picky about what I drink wine out of so this would be no problem for me.
First things first, they have to talk about how BUSY the streets of Paris were today. Real juicy stuff. They talk about it for much too long and we also learn that Lauren was freaked out by it. Arie says she must have been overwhelmed. She says yes, there was a ton of pressure on her. The pressure should be on Arie so I really don’t know what she felt pressured to do. She then tells Arie that she’s glad that he’s observant. To think, I’m wasting my time on this.
Apparently Lauren puts guys in the “friendzone” for at least 6 months. At 25, assuming two or three serious relationships, that’s not much time spent on relationships. Also, drop the friendzone thing Lauren, that’s weird.
Arie must think, “oh good, we’re talking about relationships. Perfect time to bring up something super serious and personal that nobody in the world knows. Lauren is the perfect person to tell this to. She’s not boring or closed off at all!! In fact, she’s a better person to tell this to than anyone else who has opened up to me these past few weeks about real life things!!!” I can almost read his mind because he chooses this exact moment to tell her about his ex.
This is absolutely not something to joke about. The last paragraph was a joke about the timing, not about the story. He lived with a woman for a few years. She had 2 kids and things were serious. He then says that she was pregnant with his child!!!!!! (Lauren responds with “what?” in a slightly higher pitch than everything else she says, which is my indication that she’s so shocked.) He continues that he was travelling a lot for racing, and even though he cut back, things get busy. His girlfriend called him to tell him that she lost the baby and that when he got back, she wouldn’t be there. (Lauren responds with “that is… terrible.”) That’s where Arie’s trust issues come from. This is deep stuff. I feel so bad for him, and his ex-girlfriend. They both went through it alone when they could have been working through the emotions together. It’s so sad to think about what his life could have been if things had been different.
It’s Lauren’s turn to open up, now. She has trust issues too!!! Her parents are together, but haven’t always had a good marriage. Apparently she was put in between their problems a lot which warped her view of men, making her stand-offish. Her last relationship failed. They were engaged and he didn’t treat her well after they got engaged. She scared she won’t be able to open up enough. She cries, I think. There aren’t any tears, but she chokes up a bit. Arie gives her the rose even though she did the absolute bare minimum, proving that pretty blonde girls don’t have to work at all to still come out on top. Finally, they go make out in a long hallway. This has been the worst half hour of my whole life.
FINALLY we can move on and watch the group date. Becca lists off everything that makes her think of Paris like the landmarks and burlesque shows. They walk up to the Moulin Rouge building. Someone says “Oh my god, is that really Moulin Rouge?!” Arie says “yep, you guessed it, that’s the Moulin Rouge!” This is the worst episode of my whole life.
Everyone walks into the Moulin Rouge. Bekah runs around screaming. She was four when the movie came out. Arie says this date is for the women, but the costume is literally a thong and feathers so I think we all know who it’s really for.
The girls start to learn a routine. Seinne THRIVES at this date because she was a dancer. Bekah isn’t very good but has a good attitude and clearly wants this more than anyone else. Tia hates everything and doesn’t want anything to do with dancing on stage but tries to have fun. Jenna is just here for a good time.
The dance instructor lady invites the girls to the show later tonight WITH A TWIST. Whoever gets the rose at the cocktail party gets to actually participate in the show. Bekah is ready to knock a bitch out to get this rose.
They all dress up in costumes for a runway walk thing, not even an actual routine and we finally have the return of the bachelor black box because they’re all wearing only underwear and feathers and glitter.
Later, Bekah is struggling to hide how excited she is. Most of the girls don’t really care, other than getting the rose. No one really wants to dance on stage, except Bekah. Arie talks to Tia first. She REALLY doesn’t want to be on stage but she likes Arie so much that she would fight through it just to spend more time with him.
Tia and Arie have a nice connection. Which is why he should have told someone like her about his ex-girlfriend. Chelsea has concerns because she’s so different from free-spirited Bekah so she isn’t sure what Arie is really looking for. Bekah tells Arie that she was jealous. Frankly, I’m so sick of Bekah and cannot WAIT until she gets sent home. Arie makes a “french kissing in France” joke while he makes out with Bekah. I thew up.
Finally we see Seinne. Arie asks her to speak french and then translate what she says. I’ll say it again for the people in the back: SHE’S TOO GOOD FOR HIM
Bekah gets the rose and she literally starts SOBBING. They put her in a blonde wig so that she’s more Arie’s type. The girls sit sulking at the show. Arie does a really bad lip-sync routine and Bekah loves being on stage more than she loves Arie. They stand out there for like 2 minutes and then go make out backstage. The worst part about this whole experience for me is Bekah getting MORE screen time because of this stupid rose.
NOW THAT THAT’S OVER
IT’S TIME
FOR
THE
2-ON-1
DUN DUN DUN
The date card arrives and it’s officially Krystal and Kendall going on the date.
Krystal doesn’t care about what anyone else thinks because Arie is her husband so nothing else matters. When she reads the date card, she says “Kendall”…… PAUSES FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES…..”Me.” And her voice was so annoying in that moment. Krystal laughs because “Kendall was so nervous she was shaking” and then says she’s wife material not once, but twice.
The date is at some château with a garden. Arie explained more but I wasn’t listening because it was boring. The three of them walk through the chateau and look at art. Suddenly, they’re outside and Arie says, “let’s play hide and seek in this hedge maze! Whoever finds me first wins lol!!!!” A great idea for a 2-on-1 honestly. Maybe Krystal will get lost or Kendall will kill her or something. If only we were so lucky.
The rest of the girls sit on the fun river boat hotel and talk about how they don’t know who will come back tonight. Bekah says nobody expected Trump to win but here we are. One point for Bekah. Tia talks to Lauren about it, and by that I mean Lauren said “wow” while Tia talked.
Krystal found Arie first, but Kendall joins them back at the château. Arie steals Krystal first. He scolds her more about her behavior last week. You can tell he’s over it but he makes out with her anyway. While he talks, she spends the whole time nodding her head in agreement. Then she whines and almost cries. When she talks about their relationship, she’s smiling and Arie is looking at her like he hates her. It’s hilarious.
She tells Arie why she would be on a 2-on-1 with Kendall and then talks about how Kendall doesn’t know what she wants and isn’t ready to get married or fall in love???? I don’t know how Krystal of all people would know this. Number one rule on a 2-on-1: never try to sabotage the other one. Krystal ends the talk with saying that she felt like she was working through an issue with her boyfriend. Then she’s super fake nice to Kendall.
When it’s Kendall’s turn, Arie immediately tells her what Krystal said about her. Kendall says there’s no “right time” to be ready for marriage, it’s more about finding someone to bring that out in you that you can spend the rest of your life with. What else do they talk about?? Who cares because Kendall is about to CALL. HER. OUT!!!!!!!!!
Kendall calls her out and Krystal doesn’t even have a good explanation for why she would say something like that other than sabotage. Kendall gives her an emotional intelligence lesson that makes Taylor from last season look like a rookie who doesn’t even have a degree in it. Kendall is a literal angel. She doesn’t get mad. She tells Krystal that she feels bad for her because she’s seen so much pain, but she’s amazing and is better than this. Krystal’s response is, “I don’t even know what to say,” proving she is the worst.
Arie comes back and it’s the moment of truth. Only, it’s not because Arie says he needs more time to decide between the devil and an angel. Sounds like fake news to me.
They go to dinner at a restaurant overlooking the Eiffel Tower. I can’t even pretend to not be jealous anymore. SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME TO PARIS IT’S THE ONLY THING I WANT IN LIFE RIGHT NOW.
Krystal gives another speech to only Kendall. She tells the emotional intelligence QUEEN (aka Kendall) that it was very patronizing and that she has no problem connecting with people. Kendall says they should each focus more on their individual relationships with Arie instead of each other. Krystal is SO DELUSIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Krystal literally never stops talking. Or moaning. OR SLURPING HER WINE AFTER TOASTS. I want to blow my brains out. She really brings that out in me.
Arie talks to Kendall first. It doesn’t matter what they talk about because Krystal continues to be annoying. When they return to the table, Arie gives the rose to Kendall and suddenly, all is right in the world. His goodbye to Krystal is very generic. He doesn’t walk her out. Instead, he walks away with Kendall so they can make out in the twinkling lights of the Eiffel Tower. They are quite possibly in the Eiffel Tower making out, but I’m gonna tell myself that’s not true for the jealousy thing again.
Krystal says she’s “floored” again. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what the word means because she says it so often. There are worst places to be abandoned than in Paris in a beautiful building looking at the Eiffel Tower, but she’s hurt by this. At least it wasn’t North Dakota, calm down. The luggage guy takes her luggage from the boat hotel and the girls pop champagne to celebrate. Everyone is happy.
The last date is for Jacqueline. He picks her up in a little red car because there hasn’t been enough car talk on this episode. All the girls are sitting on the ship deck having breakfast and I want to do that so badly.
Jacqueline is super nervous but she’s awesome so hopefully it’ll work out. The car breaks down after 10 feet. Arie tries to fix it and Jacqueline says “It’s hot when guys who know things about things, do things about things.” Rt if you agree.
They get to take a cab, meaning they were probably without a camera for a little while which is almost unheard of. Arie takes her to a store to buy a fancy outfit. They make fun of the “high fashion” and it’s really cute and romantic. She gets to keep a little black dress that fits her like a frickin glove. They walk around (Jacqueline in brand new stilettos) and go to her favorite restaurant that she requested before she knew she was getting this date.
They make great conversation and talk about the future. She’s in the process of getting her degree that will take 6 years. Arie says he thinks she’s too smart for him. He’s correct. He literally says he is drawn to women who aren’t intelligent which makes sense about some of his front-runners.
Jacqueline expresses her fears and the dramatic music suggests that she isn’t getting the rose tonight. They both open up to each other, a more appropriate setting, once again, for the big ex-girlfriend talk. But Arie surprises me by giving her the rose which means I get to see Jacqueline and her perfect hair for another week.
I would now like to direct you to this tweet which is doing really well as a quick summary of tonight:
There’s only 15 minutes left so there can’t possibly be a rose ceremony, right? WRONG.
There’s no cocktail party this week so there’s plenty of time. Lauren gets a monologue where she talks in her bored voice again all about how her feelings are the strongest and she wants everyone else to go home. Where is this even coming from???
The roses for the week go to Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, Jacqueline, Tia, Seinne and Becca.
So we say goodbye to Chelsea the mom and Jenna, the party. You will both be missed. Especially Jenna because we’re Twitter friends. Also she tells all the girls she loves them when she walks out and I want to cry right along with her.
https://twitter.com/Jennacooperfit/status/960730147841363969
Arie announces to the group that next week, they’re going to Tuscany, just to rub it in my face further that I’m poor and lonely. Bekah overreacted, obviously. Also this was literally Lauren’s face when he said it:
Just when you think the episode is over, the camera cuts to Lauren SOBBING off to the side because her feelings are so strong and she doesn’t know what to do because she wants to get married basically RIGHT NOW. She says she keeps getting pissed off at everything and that she’s terrified he’s going to pick someone else. Apparently her feelings are so strong that she clams up and can’t talk and she can’t even pretend to be happy for the other girls. I’m SHOCKED and CONFUSED about where in the world this is coming from because she literally has never had a personality or emotions and now suddenly she’s head over heels in love with him??? I’m sorry but I’m not buying it. Also, of all the remaining girls, she would be the one he ends up with and doesn’t make it past the 6 month mark with. I don’t know who wins, but if it’s her I’m pulling this up as proof when they break up.
Thanks for putting up with my ranting for another week!!!!
Here’s my favorite tweets from the night:
https://twitter.com/KendallPatrice/status/960664579385704448
https://twitter.com/trumbullina/status/960681629420281858
https://twitter.com/dude_bachelor/status/960682638133612544
https://twitter.com/_katiewilkie/status/960684228466921473
https://twitter.com/OutoftheLimo/status/960692683198160896
https://twitter.com/trumbullina/status/960698436369747968
https://twitter.com/BrettSVergara/status/960701807910686720
See you all next week!!
xoxo,
Morgan
Bachelor Chirps 